Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in nghtblckpanther's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 12th, 2011
7:13 pm	im so tired of everything. i miss Nora. i miss Tiff. C & i broke up. she said she'd be around, but i was just always too negative. maybe i am. maybe it's just because ive actually experienced loss, and she's lost nothing. she said she was in love with me, but i don't really think so at all. i mean, she left to go to spain, she always drank with me, i think it was the idea. and that's okay too. i'm just tired of getting left behind all the time. there's like too many feelings to write, but i can't wait to leave after this year, just go and drive. maybe i'll pay someone like Lisa to watch my collection. either way it doesn't matter to me. i think i've come to terms that loneliness and loss aren't such bad things. it keeps you moving. it hurts like fuck, but what doesn't i guess. C should just stick to being with cis guys anyway, like the imaginary "prince" kind that comes on a horse. that way there will never be any kind of "baggage". in all honesty, i feel retarded for expecting to be able to talk to her about losing Nora. or anyone. she has no idea, nor should she really, but still. and my grandma. i don't want C's grandma or her family, although her kind offer, i want MINE. i hate that she made me be with her even though she was just going to walk away. like i just had to wait while she was away in spain? why? i'm tired of waiting and im tired of people always just taking their selfish liberties with me. Nora, Tiffany, Erica, now Cecila. just fuck everything. i don't care, i don't need her, nor have i needed anyone before really. we're on such different levels i was stupid to think she could know. em and i had a great talk on friday, and i realized a lot. what lies in friendship is better and has been better than any relationship ive had. c has never experienced anything similar to what i have been through, and it doesnt even make sense to expect her to. her time will come, and in all honesty, i hope it doesn't any time soon because things ive had to see suck. i also think i feel more comfortable with straight girls, but at the same time, it shouldnt be a requirement, just that they respect my identity - it was just weird to hook up with a queer/bi girl and i kind of felt weird after. i'm so excited to leave - i just need to do well on my chem final and get at least a C. i'll turn it all around. ill reconcile things and move past every injury ive suffered in the past two and a half years. honestly i think things for her would be better if she just stayed in her sphere of naive heteronormativity. why see the marginalized groups struggle when you dont have to? (Comment on this)
Friday, January 14th, 2011
2:39 am	It's strange to think that I could have the one I love in my life, and yet my heart be breaking. Watching her, in her beautiful bright red coat, smile at me after that kiss, bittersweet, then turn to walk down the hallway - out of my arms. It's hard to describe this pain. I have been fighting tears all day. It's 2 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I'm waiting up for her. I miss her more than I miss my childhood. More than I could ever imagine any "missingness" God... I pray that you keep her safe for me. I pray that she'll come home, and we'll be all the more stronger. I pray that I won't forget the way she smells, the way she kisses, the way we love each other. Baby, I'm out of words. I could barely breathe watching you go. I felt like I was being stabbed, but I think being stabbed would have been infinitely easier. I hope you know how much I love you, how much my heart is aching right now. I know I'll come visit, but it still is too long for me to be without my air, my heart, my blood, my happiness, my skin, my angel, my everything. You, baby... I want to fall on my knees and beg you to come home. I want you back in my arms. I don't want to have to be without you this semester. Cécile... you are the one I want to have children with. The one I want to marry. When you finally close your eyes to get some sleep, imagine this: Me, asleep by your side in the early morning in our bed. The sun gently rising on our house with the purple front door, your Audi and my truck parked just in front. Our beautiful yard. Our farm, with the brown cow grazing, maybe a horse. Our kids will be asleep, and the puppy at the foot of our bed. I'll roll in closer to you, wrapping my arms around you tight so nothing or no one can take you away from me. I'll kiss you, and exhale, more peaceful than I have ever been in my entire life, having the woman I love, this Angel, blessing me and saving me each moment in her bright, burning presence. You set me alight. It hurts, and it doesn't. All at once. I want to be your husband, your best friend, and do everything for you that you have done for me. I'm going to go upstairs and lie down. I don't know if they have service at the airport or not, I don't know if you're there yet or not. I hope that I can keep my simple eyes and mind awake until I hear from you. If they fail me, then I pray that you come to me in my dreams. I will be around all day tomorrow. I guess for you, that would be like anytime after 4pm? My heart hurts a lot right now, and I'm crying all over again. I am yours. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
1:40 am	Why is it that I could have everything in the world, but some place inside me is still so sad? I feel like this sadness wasn't even accumulated in one lifetime. Maybe recognized here, but certainly not something new. I dreamt about Lili last night. She wanted me to buy her vodka. So I did, and I bought some white wine. It was all these people I kind of knew, and we all drank. I dreamt about waves again. And the other night I dreamt about Bruce. My dreams have been so sad, so empty, so dark lately. I miss Grandma. I want Nora back. And no one I talk to could understand. It's very lonely. I want something that will make all this better. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 19th, 2010
2:49 am	You see right through me.... Some excerpts from a voicemail the other night: “You are gonna be alone for the rest of your fucking life….” “You are not a man. You are not even a boy. You are worthless. Rot in Hell.” “You ARE a freak.” .... Other than that, me and Ceci have been seeing each other a lot, and I've been so happy. She makes me want to be my best self, and I never feel like I have to dumb myself down. It's amazing. I never thought I'd get this lucky, really. Even if we don't turn into anything further, she is an incredible friend. Actually, I've been making a ton of great friends! I'm really happy: Even if I do never find that woman, at least I have friends. I don't think being alone has ever really scared me either. I seem to keep myself busy - with hobbies, interests, explorations. I'm so excited/nervous/stressed for next month. I know that I'm not necessarily what I'm supposed to be, in terms of what culture and society say I should be, but when I'm by myself, I'm happy. And now with this surgery coming up, despite all the money I still need to come up with, I don't have to hide all the time. I finally am starting to feel free. The one thing on my mind though, has been driving cross country still. I told Ceci about my hesitations and worries about calling Grandma, and although she didn't recommend anything, she listened. And I think that's exactly what I needed. I love being that cat in me again. The independent one who relies on himself and explores. This world has a lot of things to explore. Again, this a little off topic. I'm tired. But Ceci... She's the first woman of color that I've dated. And it's been running through my mind all day. How different it is to me, even when it really shouldn't be. How I'm not sure how to hold myself, but the most amazing and wonderful part is how much I'm learning in this. How race doesn't have to indicate any way that you should act. It's like she's learning about gender while I learn about race, and we teach each other. I want her to know that it's ok to ask, try, learn. I've never been this shy about being with anyone, but I think it's like I don't want to mess up, or make her question herself, or how she sees me - as male. She is so respectful, and it blows my mind. I saw Avi and Li, and they were both really excited for me, and that meant so much to me too :) I'm really trying to clean my life up. I know a lot has happened, that she isn't particularly familiar with, but I want, and have always wanted, to keep living. For Nora, Tiffany, my family, and myself. So that's what I'll do: keep living, breathing, learning, and moving. Ok, I'm tired. I have to feed geckos. This Sierra Nevada Holiday Hop ale is good, but making me want to make out with my pillow. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 16th, 2010
7:05 pm	Lies: She ever loved me. She gave a shit about me. Someone will never love me the same way she does/did/will. That I can't find anyone better. I am embarrassed, no, even more than embarrassed. I am hurt. Beyond hurt actually. I am .... in disbelief. Everyone told me I could do better, and I should have listened. Cheating was me trying to find a way out. I didn't want to be with her anymore. I've been told the shit of late that has been happening is grounds for a restraining order. Lol. I have no privacy apparently. Not my room, my email, my wallet, my medication. I'll tell the full story later. Now I need to go explain this psychotic past to C. Thank you for your single-handed attempt to save the world from my malicious jaws. People appreciate it. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 14th, 2010
1:26 am	Grandma called Dad today. She's in the hospital again, with another thing on top of everything else, and I really need to go see her. I know she's not doing well, and I keep having dreams about Trinidad... If I fuck it up, and surgery costs too much so my dad can't see her.... I'm going to cancel it. I'm scared to talk to him about it. Ceci has been incredibly helpful and understanding. I hope I haven't been asking too much of her. Maybe I have too much on my mind. I need to come up with $4,000 by next month, and I have no idea how to. I'm loosing my mind stressing about it. Aetna doesn't cover it, and I don't know who I can ask how to figure out a way to get at least maybe the medication covered. I've been stressing, and fucking up and forgetting to do things in school. Shit. I owe the school $1,000, and I can't register until I pay it. I already missed my registration time anyway. Tiffany has been around, Nora, not as much. I don't think Nora likes this weather. I saw Stacy today and tonight, it helped me relax a little. I need a break from this life more than anything. I need help. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 5th, 2010
1:40 pm	i miss Nora and Tiffany. every day. i've been losing my mind lately. i don't remember the last day i haven't cried. no one whom i have spoken to lately has understood. Nora's mom looks like me on the outside, really broken. her sister too. everyone else... is living i guess. i'm not. i want to go back in the woods or the mountains and live there. i'm falling even more apart than i thought i could. waiting on a text back from Erica to say i changed my mind i won't leave. nothing so far. but it's ok. i couldn't stop N or T, why her from leaving me too? i can't stop anyone. tomorrow, back to my closet at school with no friends. it's all ok. at least that way i don't bother anyone much. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
12:27 pm	Things I'd like for Christmas: 1. Hugs. 2. Top surgery funds 3. People to be honest in the city, kind. Courteous. Leave a note when you hit my truck. 4. To be able to understand why people like, enjoy, making other people suffer. Why some people are always so dramatic? Childish? 5. To have done well in classes this semester. 6. For people around me to see my innate joys - not clothes, or anything "pop culture". I'd benefit more from a new glass enclosure, a better incubating system, shipping supplies, maybe funds for a website. Geckos? Nice orchids? 7. Happiness, and freedom in being where the snow is clean, where the birds are not invasive. 8. Dan to forgive me for all the beating I've done onto him. 9. - To fix all Dan's dents. 10. Mostly for everyone to stop getting angry with me and be happy. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 19th, 2009
10:34 pm	You blow me off just as often as I do it to you. I don't ever want to hear you pull that again. I'm sitting in my dorm room alone, since everyone else here has left. I thought we were supposed to have plans. If you're trying to manifest karma against me, stop. This is fucking retarded. Drama is also wonderful, so is watching my truck get backed into, so is working on Christmas Eve. I'm not driving down to see you this break. Nor do I expect - rather want - you to come up and visit me. Fuck you Kristina and Kimmie you moronic slutty fags. I'm beginning to hate most queers. Thanks to really awesome people that give homosexuals a great name :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 17th, 2009
2:18 pm	Last night was amazing. Super sex, super feeling, so I'm super nice-feeling today. Haha, i don't know if that makes any sense. Anyway. I'm just happy. I have to work tonight, but I don't care. Actually, I'm happy to. I STARTED DRAWING AGAIN!!! Like the first time since April. I need to work on figure sketching. It's incredible how much I've changed, I went from drawing animals and nature and only that to now focusing on the human. I'm finally just so happy in my own body. Granted - sometimes, like today, I do wish I had fur. I love Christmas time. It's so interesting how my view on it has changed too. Last year it was all snowy, being inside was awesome, with a hot drink. Now I want Christmas sex (haha, typical, yes?) and to go romp around in the snow with a draft horse and cut firewood and fight wolves. It doesn't feel like winter. I mean, it's cold, but it's bright today, sunny. Maybe if it snowed. But I don't want to stay inside, I don't feel the comfort as much as in the past. My face is furry, and I love the feeling of fingers so cold they begin to get hot again, cold thighs. There are some sad things that I'm having trouble thinking through. I'm doing some bio - endocrinology - research here. And we have to sacrifice sparrows in order to look at the receptors. I had to collect blood samples yesterday. I just feel so sad, even though I know they're invasive and everything. I mean... they look at you. They blink. I don't know how to deal with it, I know it's ok, but it's managing that feeling and being able to unpack it. I don't know how. On top of that, I have a gecko with metabolic bone disease. Mainly, he has osteoporosis. Really bad. He looks like jello, but is the happiest, shakiest little guy. And I know he'd be in a lot less pain if I killed him, but I don't have the heart to do it. On top of that, the first born gecko that I hatched out has MBD too. I'm watching him get worse and worse, though his other two sibs are doing ok so far. I don't know if I should kill him now, or watch him turn into the old guy. I don't want him to be in as much physical pain as it looks like :( Also, I killed a snapping turtle back in August, over this summer or something. My dad and I had gotten him a year before that, found him crossing a road, and brought him to a pond. There were no other snappers there, but lots of sunfish for him to eat. I saw him on a road not too far away, he had gotten hit by a car. Death isn't something clean nor painless ever. He was still alive, despite the gore. And It was my fault. I should have walked further away from roads, or put him someplace where there were other turtles. Something. So I had to finish it. And I couldn't deal with it then. I felt like Erica didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe that was my fault for saying I was fine, or not telling her. I got mad, and kicked the garage door. Punched stuff. Teak died a few weeks ago. I knew she was sick. She was the most beautiful turtle I've ever seen. She was so sick when my dad found her. Sometimes I really want to cry, because I know it would, used to help. But I can't, and it doesn't help any more. I don't know how to deal with the guilt-feeling, the ouch-in my chest feeling. I don't know what it's called, and I don't know what to do that makes it better. I just get frustrated and break stuff. I've been talking to a woman about it. I'll stop for now, I'm gonna finish my coffee, clean up this sketch, then run out to ship a present out for someone. Hopefully she'll like it. It's for a secret Santa we did on a reptile forum. It's a little late, but hopefully she will get it in time. It's some wood for her geckos, and I think I'm gonna get her a movie she likes. Or a poster of some Twilight thing haha. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 11th, 2009
4:14 am	I never feel like enough sometimes. I just want to be happy. Have friends. Get the college experience while I can. My heart is hurting a lot tonight. When I see her, it brings up such past. Then I look at myself now, and wonder where the hell that person went. I was a better person. Chivalrous, courteous, kind. Now... I always knew I'd need to find myself again, after H.B. I think I really changed. Got jaded. Felt anger. And this one used to be the sweetest girl I know. Now I'm watching her change. I've completely done so much damage, and for some reason it seems like I can't stop. Maybe before me was happiness. And this hurts so much right now, but tomorrow... I have to. I can't keep hurting her like this. I need to find myself again, and learn appreciation. I don't know who I am, where I am, what I know. Talking to H.N. just seems to bring up aching memories of my better self. I know she can be a good friend, and she always has been. Maybe I just don't know how to talk about anything anymore. I blinked, and all of a sudden everything changed. S.I., my older sister had feelings for me. E.S. became jaded from all the knives I'd cut her with. H.N. and I could have a conversation. T.W. has a boyfriend, or something. E.K. is the college-going girl who's enjoying herself. And now it seems that only me and Maria are the ones left back. Her once lively basement is quiet, and I live alone. I don't know what or how I feel, ever. I don't know where I'm going. But, living alone... That's the worst part. Coming to college, I wasn't homesick. Having someone who loved me made it home. But now, after all of it, I've ruined it time and again. I know she'll say that "we can fix it", but honestly, I've always known that I need to move out of what's home. Be homesick. Hurt, think, and choose. This may be long, and I'm sorry. I remember last Christmas, you came to visit me in the hospital. You loved me then, and after, and before. Honestly, I can't say that I knew what I was getting myself into. I'm sorry for not feeling as though I had been ready to meet you. Watching you get angry now, I'm becoming that insecure person again. It hurts too much to be, and since that change in April, I've always been one to avoid any unsettling emotion. You've done so much for me, I can't even begin to thank you. Rescued me, nurtured me, saved me. And I can't even begin to apologize for the lack of substance I've given back. In the fall, you'd talk about N. a lot. Everything is cyclic, right? As it comes down to it, I need to go. There's an inner battle with myself, and I know half of me is going to die. But I know it's the best. I know that way, it will only be one more thing you hurt for. And only one more thing I can fuck up. Maybe life will be safer once I'm with my family and out of my single, lonely room. There is so much more to say, and I'm afraid that I don't even know how to say it. I'm so sorry that I've changed you. Please stay the innocent, loving person you've always been. Don't turn into what I have. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
3:52 pm	In a sort of response. Have you ever missed the past? Yet at the same time known that your past you isn't the you now? And old dreams that have stopped recurring, stopped recurring for a reason? Lies aside, the wound still aches, though rarely. I'm happy for friendship. I'm happy for growing and developing enough to have the maturity there. I do, however, miss the naive-ity, the fresh emotion, the pain, and everything else that came with it. It inspired something within me. Now, it's different. I do want to go back to being that unjaded person. Bettering myself for something intangible. But Arthur's court falters, then disintegrates, and those ideals are no longer upheld. Nor should they be, really. I was never happy then. I know the pain. And I'm sorry that you're probably feeling it now. Maybe I'm even a worse person for being attainable. I can see what this has all done to you. I'd do anything to take it all back, give you the person whom I was several years previous. I don't know what I want, nor whom I am. I don't want to ever relive history. I don't want things to have happened when they didn't in my past. I love you, I love her. The current has metamorphosed into something different. In history, it fell. Completely. Something external. And it was different. I love her as a friend, and rational has since kicked in. We are different people. I'm glad we never were anything more than friends. And I'm not lying when I say that now. I love you. I'm sorry for always hurting you. I'm in a dilemma, and both sides hurt equally. No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking, nor would ever be able to stop thinking about the other side. This deserves more explanation, but I need to get back to my room to study. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 16th, 2009
12:41 pm	Though i don't want to, i'll post something here so i'm not holding it all in. that seems like a good idea. i was stressed. like crazy. i told people i never even talk to because i didn't know what else to do. i went for a walk in the woods, by the ipswich river. cried. broke down. what would i ever do if... and its like the guard dogs to your well being always let the "what ifs" slip through. i didn't want to look like an idiot. i slept through my alarm. i didnt ask his last name, address, phone number. don't not validate me just because your parents met him and your brother met him. 1. how am i supposed to know that. 2. i was still fucking worried. i dreamt i walked in on you both. naked? i assumed you guys were changing, and i was fine with it. condom on floor. i still didn't care. what bothered me the most was how i knew you, and somehow, in that moment, he changed you. clearly a fucked up guy, old.... and yet you still did it. so i just left. dreamt i laid back down in bed. and two clutches of spiderlings hatched out. everywhere. all over. so i took a shower. i woke up sweating, and maybe its my own fucking fault for having that dream. but thinking about it more and more, the less of a good idea it seemed like. walked in the woods, met a bunch of spiders, all on my shirt, and thought more. you said you'd like to see me after i got out of work and you'd be back by then. when you weren't, i went to hannahs. we had dinner and watched a movie so i wouldn't focus on thoughts. i kept her up. i didn't study. didn't get to do my homework for today. i know i cant say shit, but doesn't it seem a little strange that you've known the guy for say, 2 months? went to a movie with him, then drove to almost fucking new york to go visit his family? hypocritical, just a little bit? i've already dealt with that, and don't want to do it again. maybe all the fucked up shit i did was because i only expected this, which you happily gave to me. i wrote some shit that no one will ever see. thats how fucking embarrassing it is. i'm not a smoker, but 8 cigarettes just sounded too good. i dont have the fucking time for this. and you've done it time and time again. running off at night like somehow, you'll find a way home when its 37 degrees, in a skirt, at night, in south fucking boston, with no money, and no phone. and going for a 4 hr drive with some guy that fucking just comes into your work? you've known him for 2 months? that screams excellent idea. yet somehow you got mad when i brought up the possibility of getting an apptmt with em. i've known em since middle school. and nothing happened between us, we were friends growing up together. sometimes shit happens, and it means nothing. she has a fucking boyfriend now, and me living with her is living with a friend. not just "some girl". do you know my favorite color yet? or my biggest fear? i know yours. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009
4:46 pm	I'm losing my mind. I signed up on this adult site, and posted some stuff of myself. It feels nice for once that I can be me, to others, and that I'm accepted by people on a societal level. Why. Why is it that when a person makes a comment, she has to immediately be jealous? Like I'm gonna leave and go fuck whoever the hell made that comment? From point one, I'm having an incredibly difficult time you ever, EVER truly believed in yourself. You're not the only one doing the "building-up". I've begged you to have self-confidence, know what you were worth. Granted yeah, some stuff happened. And same goes for me, but just consider it! Consider what you'd do if every single moment, I expected you'd find someone better. Consider how hard it would be for you to be with me if I were already so bent on it. Jesus... And I WANT you to tell me when you think someone else is attractive. We're young, right? Why is that such a problem? Maybe we're just different, but I can't help but not know. I don't know. I'm 20. I'm going to college. I'm only a guy. I look. And it happens. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna run off and go fuck the shit out of them! Do you feel like you ever really, truly knew me? Honestly? Did you ever once trust that chivalrous guy that was, 1. damaged by the previous relationship, 2. still willing to try and come back? You never gave that part of me a chance. You never trusted me to know what I wanted, assumed I was looking for something S. had. Assumed I'd rather be with her for some reason?? One of my greatest flaws is that I'm often easily influenced. And with you constantly questioning why I'm with you, I have the tendency to listen, and go against my heart. I am not a cheater. I know myself, and that was not me. But maybe you already had your own preconceptions. I needed to hear that I could be accepted, and though it's incredible for your significant other to say it, and love you, sometimes it can't heal nor fix everything. I needed to hear that, feel it. And the day I get a negative comment and am hurt by it, you're more overcome by a comment meant to make me feel more comfortable and apologize for an asshole? Jealousy, baby.... I never knew jealousy could tear things like this. If I knew what to say, I'd say it now. But it seems like this is something I can never ease. Or fix. Because you never fully believe me when I tell you you're the one I want. I'm not perfect. God knows I'm not perfect. And I have some serious flaws. But I can't keep living like this. If you trust yourself, then you can trust me. But so far, it seems like you've never given yourself the chance. I don't know what to say anymore. You're ready to give up, so then give up. I haven't, but I need this. I need you to believe in what you have, and be confident. You have been jealous of every female friend I've had. And I never once thought about them as anything other than friends until you've been so convinced that I should. In my own thoughts, without any influence from your die-hard preconceptions and apparent insecurities, I was never attracted to T., E., I was over H., and I never once thought about getting back with H. much less fooling around when we hung out at my dorm. I loved S. like an older sister, and yet when I was so devastated from that pseudo-parent break up, you were more worried about me hooking up. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I just destroyed you. Maybe I.... I'm sorry. And you should have let me .... that time in November of last year. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
10:52 am	In light of what nAGLY is tonight, I had a few thoughts I wanted to get out. So, naturally, testosterone increases one's libido. Pornography is a natural outlet. ...Yes. I watch a lot of porn. But in so much of it, there is so much disrespect towards the female. The female is not to be "used" "topped" or "violated", nor any of the other terms that go hand-in-hand with the above named. Biologically even, is it not the female in power of natural selection? Choosing which male she prefers? Look at deer and other ruminates for example. If anything, is not the rut a display of chivalry for the female? Males have a disgusting amount of disrespect for the women in our society. No woman should ever have to go through some of the traumatic things they experience, and mostly for and by us as men. Granted, similar to us men, women are naturally sensual, though not sexual. I don't believe that any woman would choose to be taken so roughly were it not for the stress males put on it. And after all, the fact that she CHOSE you in the first place should be grounds enough to make you bust a nut right then and there. Women have, 1. a sexuality undeniably unique and unshared by men, 2. are much "sexier", even to gay males. So how the hell did we regress so much so as to disrespect that? Women nurture, love, protect, and feel more than any man ever could, and therefore have much more power to heal. Yet we've told them they're worthless if they don't please us, cater to us, have sex with us and fulfill our fantasies. In reality, we've lost such touch with nature to the point that we don't even realize that it should be us pleasing them, and by that pleasing ourselves. We still have it. Getting a woman off well feeds our ego. But it's so easy to be taken off track. I am male, and I refuse to buy into sexism. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
2:25 pm	Ok, so this is the three day belated two-week update. Changes: 1. Hair. Lots of fuzz on my stomach, back, face... arms and legs filled in, very fine "happy trail" and some fine dark hairs on my lip and chin. On hands, thighs. 2. Muscle growth. I can see my biceps now. I have more muscle ab/ove my hips. Lots of upper body muscle. 3. Bigger hands, thicker fingers. From muscle growth. 4. Veins. I have wicked veiny arms, and can see one a little on my left bicep. ok. Maybe wicked was an overstatement. 5. Skin changes. It's less, smooth and soft, and more... haha. rugged? 6. Fat redistribution. Less in the moob-al area, less on my hips and rear. 7. Appetite like ridiculous. I am always hungry. Even after taking a ritalin. 8. Due to 6 & 7, I have a gut now. 9. I don't particularly always want sex, but I think about it much more. Girls doing anything. Even if they're not particularly attractive. Nice looking cars like corvettes and mustangs are sexual. 10. I kind of like destroying things. And doing all those young male things, like making things explode, playing with fire, etc. 11. I'm often amazed at my own strength. I stepped on a beer bottle last night and broke it. I have no problem holding my own in the front of a concert. 12. I "feel" less, and think more. Most of my conversations are much more intellectually based. 13. I never want to wear clothes. 14. I don't like putting lotion on really? 15. I don't mind being dirty, and don't really feel like I always need to be clean. 16. I am much more physically active. I like to run, jump, fall, climb... and everything else. Sports are more interesting. 17. "Friend" downstairs is bigger. I'll go more into detail in a more personal note which I won't put on LJ. 18. I sweat more and it smells like guy sweat. 19. Recently, all I do is pee. Haha. That's it for now. If I can think of anything else, I will add it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
2:10 pm	I want a flat chest by next summer. This summer I can come up with $5,700 at the most, before the deposit for Tufts ($1,500) and before books for the year ($1,000). So that's $3,200. If I can start breeding geckos, with the two adult females I have, and get the other girl up to weight, that should give me, roughly 10 clutches of 1-2 eggs per female. Say 50% hatch, that's 20 babies, moderately high-end. If I sell them all for $50 a piece, that's $1,000 bucks. I can also work on weekends, probably getting $80 per weekend. Save save save. Make make make. "Ain't about what you cop, it's about what you keep." (Comment on this)
Monday, April 13th, 2009
6:20 pm	A reflection. This came up in my philosophy class. I thought it was interesting. Race vs. Ethnicity Gender vs. Sex So apparently race and gender are social constructs. Which is true. The difference between race is an outside way of grouping individuals. Ethnicity, on the other hand, is the feeling of belonging to something (in this case culture). Gender can be something different than one's sex. However, Appiah, whom we were discussing, brings up that race has no biological anchor, and thus will slowly begin to disappear. Though this is hopeful, I highly doubt it ever will. For race to genuinely cease to exist, it would require no human sense of immediate perception (or "first impression" sense). On the other hand, if that were to never disappear, people must then all look alike. That wouldn't happen either. Consider all the people who either don't find themselves attracted to anyone but their own race, or those who live in communities solely based of people of their own complexion. They simply don't have the opportunity to meet other people. Though he also argues that it has no biological anchor, there are, in fact, codominant genes responsible for skin color, hair color/type, and other facial features. He argues, that as gender has a biological basis, it will in fact disappear. I'm not entirely sure what he means by "biological basis", on either account. However, would gender in fact not be able to disappear based on the fact that it is so often based/linked to the physical? Here I think he overlooks something very crucial. The need for reproduction. Consider how successful we are as a species. We, as a species, do not NEED to reproduce. That gives us so many more advantages. People whom are transgender or intersex do not NEED then to remain their biological sex for the sake of reproduction. I also think he overlooks the often lack of duality and clean cut edges. Male and female, masculine and feminine, man and woman. Consider all the mundane activities that aren't either masculine or feminine. Taking the trash out? Eating breakfast? Taking a shower? There is also a much larger spectrum in the center between male and female, be it sexually or gender-based. He recognizes the much older generation of transsexuals, who only go from one side to another. As society has begun to become "louder", and focus more on the younger generation, there is an increase of those who don't choose just one. There will always be extremes on the scale, and I don't think one can argue that race will disappear while gender will not. Cis people will always exist, full transsexuals will always exist, and their will always be a middle. White supremacists will always exist, as will black people who resent whites. There will always be history. I think gender's relation to sex will greatly diminish, but race will not disappear, nor will gender. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
12:53 pm	Testosterone time Ok, so that last one was me being an idiot. It was from... let's see, like November 6th? I overdosed. And sat in my room. And then told Erica what happened with Stacy. Then I overdosed again Dec. 21st. And spent a few days in the hospital. 30 Tylenol. Extra strength. Quick release. Remember that really big snowstorm right before Christmas? Yeah. Then. I sat in my room, then fell asleep, after trying to throw it up and eat charcoal. I woke up from a text from Erica, 2 hours later or so, called a cab because neither parent was home, and they said it would be a 45 min wait. Luckily my mom came home shortly after, and drove me to the hospital. I had really high acetemetophin levels after the charcoal, and had to be admitted.... etc. Apparently there was liver damage, and had I taken the four/five others I spit out, I would have probably needed a liver transplant. But anyway, my point is, all that spiraled into me getting in to some type of outpatient counseling. I started gender counseling in January, and have been going there ever since. And then 3 weeks ago, I met with a doctor, who tested my liver function, and said I was okay. SO GUESS WHAT!! Tomorrow I'm going to get a physical and start testosterone. I filled the prescriptions for the needles, testosterone cypionate, and everything, I just have to go pick up a thing from CVS today!! So I'm waiting to tell everyone else from history, aka Waring ppl. Actually, I have a list. And I'm not sure if I should tell them, or let them figure it out. Em K. Toni Evan Noah Hannah N Phoebe Bonnie Lillie Sharna/Kennan/Hope/All those other good people. Christ... who else did I hang out with? ANYWAY. YAY!!!!! Well, Tory and Alison, you both know now. Maybe Greg? Ila? Holly? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:51 pm	Figured I'd post this, as it was "Restore draft?" first off. i love ALL of you. in no particular order: Mom - thanks for being supportive, thanks for loving me, teaching me. your mom and rayetta love you very much dad- thanks for taking me fishing. bruce and ted are still near you denali- thanks for being strong. its ok to find who you are. take what i owe you out of my bank account. love you. its been a pleasure watching you grow. i love you so much. family: debbie and kep and heather, katie and andrew: debbie and kep, you're both so sweet, so pious heather katie and andrew - find yourselves forgive me im fading mariah - im so happy for you terra - keep growing. sandy - im sorry i scared you way back jamie stop smoking! please! juliet i know you have depth, please find it? hawkins family - thank you for loving my family waring - grow. diversity em - peple love you. remember it always nicholas and anisa - follow your passions kenneth - work hard leslie ann - be nice! gerald - elma loves you gramma - i love you soooo much, heaven is waiting for your loving and kindness. your my african queen granda and gramma nancy - nancy you're part of the family. we love you. grampa keep taking your vitamins, dont forget gramma, love nancy, be true to YOU donna - relax ron - youre human danielle and rachel - take your time to grow jimmy and friends, straighten up hannah newman - i love you. thank you for making me a better person. i dont hate your dad. he's taught me so much. i love your mom. heal. remember that convorsation we had last winter hannah brann- i do love you, ok? dont forget that. sorry i cheated stacy - sorry i messed up big time. i love my girlfriend. i love you. i love you like a big sister. you've always protected me. tiffany - please please please find yourself. grow, be healthy, love, care about people and dont mistreat them bee - i love you too. i would have given my virginity to you. but i didnt feel comfortable as a lesbian newt - please take it easy lillie - thanks for saving me. you're an old soul and teacher. don't rush to an age before your time matt and conor - i dont hate you guys. im ust jealous same goes for you sam alex - you have so much potential, and you too natasha. archie, keep getting steel hot and pounding it :) jack - you're gay. take your time to figure tht out rory -relly REALLY be comfortable in your own skin holly and greg thank you heather and allie and people i used to hang out with with hannah - take your time growing up. take care of yourselves toni - leo is sweet, but still open yourself to the world. obama is better than mccain and you know it. dont be bitter for the sake of being bitter. you too, have so much potential iris walker - age doesn't matter susan sweeney and mehul - care. love. NEB - thank you Waring - thank you neil - sorry about not living up to your expectations ilaSahai - thank you for finding pride in being black and white, and helping me with the same my work isnt muddy!. teachers - thank you ross feldberg - thanks for teaching me that naturally coming subjects arent easy. kennan - take your time. be YOU. not what anyone else tells you to be. you dont have to always listen to your mom. thank you for being a sweetheart. nick isnt your type and people will treat you better than me. DONT AVOID problems that arise for you in life Rachel - you don't have to grow up Molly - im sorry e grew apart. i love you, and i always will. Bonnie - you're so purehearted kal - be true to yourself. you dont have to be tough caitlin - fuckin eat already :) luke - you're funny. drive safe jesse - stop bein a creepa. im sure you'll find the perfect guy for you abe - take it easy at work. sleep more. alison - i love you. take your time growing peter and allegra and dorothy - i do love you, though im bitter. jasette - keep doing what you're passionnate about. marcus will find himself. he has potential. send him up here, my dad will straighten him out :) hannah b again- im sorry for all the hurtful things ive said. it hurt when you and jay hooked up, but i had no right in doing the things i did. tell your mom i say stop drinking, and that you both can work through this. john was good for her jasmine and adam. your dad did some messed up things, but he does love you. your mom and john do too. emma - im sorry about your mom. she's your guardian angel always. jessica and mia - take care of bee ok? you too abe. just like i did. nelly, be happy. i havent met you, but thank you for finding bee that night maddy/emma - please please take care of yourself. you're sweet and you have a lot to offer this world. memo - ohhh mann. take it easy on your summer students nate - never do this kimmie -you'll find someone perfect. stop the drugs. go to college. be your dream. i love you. dylan - be openminded. do things for you to get ahead. you'll find the right girl amanda - thanks for kissing me for the first time. thank you for making me feel for once that things happen for a reason. thank you for making me feel loved kiki - please do what your calling is. sing! timmy/tim - you have the potential to be whatever you want. you're a woman. stop being afraid to live out your dream maria - stop saying the n word. stop with the drugs. do what youre here for. tell matt to do the same and grow. its time to break away coco mal kristen - thank you. thank you all so much dave -you're up! david take care of yourself. sex isn't everything. everyone: rita, people i haven't named, you all are so lovely. always be the best you can, no matter age. grow grow grow. brittney, keep growing. sorry i kissed you drunkly that night caylea - keep searching heather again you can do better than jamie. jamie - do something with your life. dad - thank you for being a role model alison again i think - you're incredible, whatever you put your mind to you'll succeed. fern - drive more safely for barbara and molly's sake camilla - i never found out what chyannes sisters name was bethany - thanks for telling me what it was like to be adopted. lisa - take it easy on clara. she's finding herself right now. clara and molly for that matter - take the time off from school if you need it.find yourself clara - its ok to not be straight. you wont let your mom down. all that matters is that you're true to yourself and you love life. john - its ok to cry mike - its ok to cry, to hurt. you dont have to be so manly all the time. always love joanna. love your grandkids. teach jay to cry as well. and jay, protect and love allegra like your dad loves jojo barbara - i love you so much. you've been through and lost so many loved ones. you, especially, never deserve that. bruce, your brother, your dad... molly will find herself in time. molly - thank you for being a sweetheart. the first closest friend. please take care of yourself. please love, please know your dad is still there. thank you for always caring, always laughing, always smiling. janet - your mom loved you more than she said, she still does. take it easy and relax sometimes. malcolm, bob - please take care of molly and barbara? your dad loves youvery much bob stop being late! joannas fam and parents - i loved the cape that time, thank you denali - again. really really take care of yourself. life isn't the easiest, but if you put your mind to it, you can be anything. i know im hard on you, and haven't set the best example, but do well in school. inspire people to follow you. you're a great leader. speak up. dont get down if dad's hard on you. you'll thank him eventually. sharon - if you need to start over, you always ALWAYS have the time in life. move to seattle, start anew. mark might not have been the one for you other sharon: you're gay, and that's ok. anne ogilvie - thnk you for being incredible conor, dylan, ian, logan. this is YOUR world, i made notes on sex reassignment surgery in a notebook. its up to you guys, you strong men, to change the world. someone follow. someone make srs better. make reproduction possible. stem cells, xx chromosomes to xy and vice versa. kimmie's mom, take care of yourself. for kimmies sake. caroline - i hear you have potential. dont let that slide. be independant. people care, dont push them away guy in lab next to riggs - landry, dave landry - i know you might not wnt to, but grow up. admit when youre wrong gail - take it easy and take care of yourself friend guy of luke - you too, can do something with your life even if you're bipolar erica's dad - love. always love, like you do, and never stop. love love, love aphrodite. stay a chivalrous gentlemanly knight. i wish i hadn't lost my own sense of it. erica's mom - i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable. things are different when they hit home. but love your daughter, always. and do the best you can to be there for her. she needs you more than you know. but also be able to let her grow in her own time. she is now. ashley parisi, lamont, people- make this world a better place krystal - stop selling toxins, and give medecation to help. your life was never easy, and dont hide from it rockport cops - kids just want to have fun, they'll do what they will kristina - i dont know what makes you uncomfortable, but feel safe. sorry i wronged you kimmies mom again - sorry i flipped on the phone a while back lillian - things reach deeper. bee again - berto and your mom, dad, grandma and everyone loves you. sometimes things dont always work out. but it happens for a reason. but love will always find you. kelly - love will find you too torrie - your fish died : / i lied. my dad killed them. i cried. tory - you will find your love. you'll find the perfect person. spencer isnt real, but there are people even better. someone will fall in love with you. walter - i hope your daughter is ok. teach her to get what she wants. do your best emt guy - you're not an emt, so become one. save people. stacy again. sorry youve been hurt so much. you dont deserve it. you've been so strong. never ever give up. you can do whatever you what in this life. start your OWN petstore. You have the talent, the knowledge. thanks for being an inspiration and teaching me to love and know me. thanks for letting me come out to you at work and being ok with it. sorry i caused you more problems with tiffany. sexality is fluid. take your life to learn who you are, dont stress, dont rush vinny - be safe. sex isn't all. and grow. help stacy move :) jackie - you have potential too. use it nate m - continue being awesome, educating about nature. always have awesome theme parties! anthony - be safe in black and white, play football like an allstar, become one nicholas again - music is yours. you can and will be famous for it. tristan - good luck at waring. be a vet :) stacy would love that to everyone i've made uncomfortable. im sorry, but grow. dre - stay with reptiles. they last longer. leo - you're capable of anything, and i'm glad toni found someone who loves her just as much as you carol - i know love hasnt been the easiest for you. you're sweet, and loving, and people have mistreated you. i love you. thanks for dino blanket joanna - thanks for being there for my mom when she needs you. thanks for listening. thanks for helping me laurie and laurie again. and the hawkins'. it bothers most people when tabby and stew have sex. they're siblings. thanks for having open minds sue - its ok to be a lesbian. to people that work with mom. thanks for helping the world. thanks for changing and protecting. stay strong. thanks for opening out to other communities hannah b again - sorry i lost love. sorry i let this world jade me, get the best of me. i hope your sisters and brother and you stay strong, and i hope your mom comes to realization. hannah/hannahs mom/jan/rockport police officer/dad/mom/people in the hospital - sorry for that, thanks for saving me. Mclean - paul jay, everyone there, kelly the harvard student. thank you for helping me me. i cant even describe how much shannon - thanks for loving conor for who he is dylan - again. stop the drugs and be you. get things you want in life for yourself. don't wait on other people dad sorry for smoking weed and getting a 40. mom sorry for putting a shitoad of miles on your car. anne drake - thank you for teaching, healing... please keep it up linda bijorn - let open eyes guide you vito, chad, tony, everyone - get what you want and never give up. prosper. hope - stop with drugs. do things, you're good at it. lead kids, you're so good with kids. malike - sorry for spelling your name wrong, and everything. stop with dog fighting, fighting, live as a better black man and example katrina, margot - i dont know where your dad is, but i love you and your mom. sorry zaboo died. bianca - nicole, nisha, everyone - good luck on bio, please change world medecine marcio - go home, rest. and get a job that pays better. be careful in life, and buy the toyota tundra! zoe - are you in cali now? karyn - do well in school, you're incredible. i love your friends, your sense of humor. sorry i disappeared in your life. alison again - take as much time off as you need. antioch WAS the place for you, but there are many others. thanks for being alison :) noah- you're outstanding. the world needs you, especially now. you too, will find the perfect girl. keep farming. keep asking. lillie might not have been perfect for you, but beleive me, you both were old souls. thanks for helping your parents and all of the community. may life reward you. evan - oh man. youve taught me so much. thanks for being honest always. thanks for being you. keep your beliefs, keep your passion, keep your enthusiasm, keep being difficult. stay in touch with those in the past, may you fall in love with whatever, whomever, wherever. country, honor, nobility. people at eastern connection - cheer up. turn the community around, and smile. stay strong to support those in need right now. bunny - i love you. i hope you still have a wonderful garden. barbara and molly - keep planting veggies. adrian - change the world. treat women with respect. dan - thans for being there for molly anna - thanks for raising yanni, marissa and demetri. thanks for supporting those in need. stone building guy who lives by little parker and wife - thank you too kay - thanks so much for being loving michael - give the best to kay. visit dell and patty. sail. always sail. jesse, liam, mya, and families - keep working to the best. precious - you dont need suntan lotion. claim who you are, be proud. be strong. you're precious after all grade of 007 - sorry for not joining you more. joyce. love life. keep life. grow, reach out. joyce and karens parents - sasha - love your parents. your mom and mitch are sweet. mitch is funny. experiment kissing girls. tessa - thank you!!! essie and cameron - thanks for caring about the world, and smiling! and caring. and loving. rocky - you're such a strong influence. so is jess. sammy d - your dad will be ok. keep your brother in check logan - im proud of you getting yourself on t. ken- mermaids exist. dont grow up, share your passion aj - be good, stop smoking weed, or just do it in mediation. take care of your sister, dad, mom, step dad family, and friends. loves. hun jae - you're hilarious. stop posting pictures of girls on the internet sharna = follow your passion. follow your desire. keep being there for people eric - keep up the drumming natasha - we all love you. stay strong, and stay toward an olympic athlete katherine crowley - you're a lesbian, and its ok sam morse - you're incredibly talented! sammy - thank you kimmie again - i messed up alot in the past. i love you dearly. stay strong. em wright - your dad and mom love you both. sorry they didn't last. you will find the perfect guy. don't rush ok? you were right way far back about not being a victim of racism. i am just as much white, and im proud. alex - thanks for being comic releif always. get back in school and become that lax player the world has been waiting to see barrie - thanks for being funny and sweet. sarah - take it easy. be comfortable as you. you're an incredible asian/caucasian american. keep true. steph turnbull - thanks for being sweet. jack t - keep on with art! robine - thans for helping tory em k again - sorry about that night after the play at your house. watching the movie in the basement. i shouldnt have done what i did, sorry if i used you. i love you, and be good. you'll find a loving guy, or girl, whichever finds you. you choose. nate.. .again? people love you. you can do whatever you want, never give up. take care of erica for me? caite - be you and love it. 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